I’ve been keeping track of all the excuses given for England’s offering thus far in this World Cup… I finally decided to compile them into a list, which I can add to as things go along!
I don’t intend to have a pop at England at all, but I do intend to have a pop at the continual justifications that the media and it’s talking heads (Not David Byrne sadly, because that would be the greatest football ever commentated) always feel the need to add to. It never seems to be just that the other team won or drew, there always has to be a WHY, and it always has to be someone or somethings fault.
Well, why don’t we list the why’s so far that have been in the media.
- 1. Wags: Wives, girlfriends and their incredibly distracting personalities tits and brains vacuous attention seeking.
- 2. The Ball.
It’s never a very good ball is it… And the Germans had it before us, so they got to practice with a… ball. I suppose we must have been practicing then with a…
- 3. The goalie.
I think a few people have compared him to Pilate and/or Judas, and threatened an end akin to Jesus’. That poor fella.
- 4. The Referee.
That lovely line ‘You know what they’re like, they’re all the same’ spoken regarding the ref during the England match, being the implication that A: The ref is a cheat and B: All refs are cheats. Fucking great attitude when your team was actually the recipient of some impressive leniency from the referee.
- 5. The ground. The ground is never right either.
- 6. The Coach.
He never does do much anyway, and you know Italy shares a border with Slovenia. They also share a border with Germany (Bias excuse in 3…2…)
- 7. Some other guy who was supposed to ‘Bring out the best in Rooney and has failed to do that’. Poor other guy.
- 8. The pressure.
This one fecks me off. It is worth noting, that Neil Armstrong, when landing ON THE MOON in the lead up to his famous first steps (and when it was still unclear if the mission would even go ahead or be aborted) had his BP measured constantly, and never climbed above a completely average level. THAT is pressure, it was also his F***ing JOB.
And he wasn’t getting 892£ *per hour… every hour, of every single day*. (892 x 24 x 7 = roughly Wayne Rooney). It is also worth mentioning that Armstrong Aldrin and and Collins had their pay docked for room/food while on their mission.
(While I’m on the topic of monumental incredulity regarding pay, the last time ‘It came home’ Footballers for England earned less than 12,000£ a year, and received a 1000£ bonus for winning. And if I’m being a bitch about it, that is the year the Beatles released Revolver. )
Phew… And 1,2,3 back in the room! Let us continue.
- 9. They were allowed a few beers one night.
Note from your blog girl:
A beer doesn’t seem to have hurt US.
And our beers come with a free side-order of Clinton! Neener neener 
- 10 . The Scottish. They don’t fly the flag when we’re playing? Why?? (Oh wait now I remember).
- 11. The fans. ( They booed us! )
- 12. The injuries.
Well you know if so and so had been here we’d have been in much better shape. Or: You know so and so is still recovering from that injury, that’s why he isn’t in better shape.
- 13. Suggested by Mr T: The vuvuzelas. We can’t hear the fans booing cheering!!
- 14. By Mr I: Players are forced to take a nap each day which gives them a case of the grumpies.
I hated nap-time too, I had to take one at day care after play-doh time… When I was 4. Play-doh time was just too exciting I guess, and that extra grape juice box goes straight to your head at lunch. (Just like adults, except the grapes aren’t fermented;).
I guess since a few of the players are capable of acting just like children giving them an afternoon time-out to calm down makes complete sense… I’ve seen kids dive to the floor of the shopping center in a tantrum far more convincingly than any football player ever has on the pitch and the poor kid never receives a free kick for his trouble!
Maybe Capello watches SuperNanny?
- Also from Mr. I: They can’t use their mobile phones. Well there we have our answer, text-addiction withdrawal. Case closed.
- Possible future excuse: Those danged Germans, again. (To be edited I guess this weekend?)
- Anyone have any to add?
(USA Woooooo!!!!!! We’re not number one at this by a long shot, and will be out very soon, but glad we got past the group stage! Though I do think Ghana should win, I want to see an African team advance as the rest are all out now.)
